


My Life as a Teenage Vampire

by lucidscreamer



Series: The Not-Quite-Twilight Saga [1]
Category: Twilight - Meyer | Movie (2008 2009), Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Actors, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bakura is an evil Hollywood agent, Fandom, Hollywood, Humor, M/M, Mai is a mangaka, Parody, Puzzleshipping, Slash, Twilight Parody, Yami is an actor, Yami is not amused, Yami sparkles!, Yugi is cheeky, but everyone else is, making fun of everything, media breaks, not even the author takes this story seriously, not really a crossover, sort of real-person fic but not really, we're making a movie!, what is this "canon" of which you speak?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-21
Updated: 2011-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-15 20:42:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidscreamer/pseuds/lucidscreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About three things Yami was absolutely positive.</p><p>First, he was currently acting in one of the worst vampire movies ever made.</p><p>Second, there was a part of him -- and he didn't know how dominant that part might be -- that wanted to kill his agent for getting him into this mess in the first place.</p><p>And third, he was unconditionally and irrevocably in lust with his co-star, Yugi Mutou.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Life as a Teenage Vampire

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the creation of Kazuki Takahashi. Twilight is the creation of Stephenie Meyer. This is a work of parody and no copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Rated 'M' for the characters' foul mouths. This story contains slash (Yami/Yugi).
> 
> This fic is a bit of an experiment, a story told in scenes, snippets and pieces, rather than traditional chapters. It's also total crack, and I take liberties with everything, including the process of movie-making. If you're expecting a story that takes itself seriously, well, :waves hand in 'Jedi mind trick' gesture: this isn't the fic you're looking for.
> 
> Many thanks to Tex-chan for pre-reading. All remaining errors and eccentricities are my own.

My Life as a Teenaged Vampire

(A YGO parody fic by Lucidscreamer)

 

 

 

Agent Provocateur

( _In the Los Angeles home of struggling actor, Yami Kingson_...)

 

Ten pages into the script his agent had, only minutes earlier and with zero provocation, thrust into his hands with the injunction to "read this, _now_ ," Yami looked up and crinkled his nose in distaste. " _This_? _This_ is your 'fantastic find'? Are you drunk, stoned, or just out of your fucking mind?"

 

"You simply don't appreciate my ability to think outside the box." Bakura had the nerve to grin despite the fact that recommending this script -- for a _vampire_ movie, no less! -- had put into question his continued employment as Yami's agent. "C'mon. It'll be great!"

 

"Sure. If by 'great', you mean 'turkey of the year'. Have you actually _read_ this thing?" Yami shook the script at him, incredulity making his normally deep voice go up an entire octave. "I mean, honestly... Remember that film with Tor Johnson and the dentist filling in for a suddenly deceased Bela Lugosi? This thing makes _that_ movie look like _Citizen Kane_!"

 

"It's gonna be a hit, I tell ya. It already has a huge, built-in fan base."

 

"... _How_?"

 

"Books. Damn thing's based on a Japanese manga series. Tons of rabid fangirls -- and their mothers, from what I've heard, which is kind of disturbing, but I never look potential gift profits in the wallet. _So_." A gesture indicated the much-maligned movie script. "What do you say?"

 

"I say find yourself another sucker." Pretending he hadn't just made a bad pun, Yami tossed the script at his agent's face and folded his arms over his chest. "There is _no way in hell_ I'm going anywhere near that travesty. Nothing you can say will convince me to even consider auditioning for the part--"

 

"That's the beauty of it! You don't have to audition. They already want you," Bakura crowed, doing an impromptu dance that made his overgrown bangs bounce like flapping, albino bat wings. "Turns out the manga's creator has final approval on casting and she loves you. You're a shoe-in!"

 

"For the part of an angst-ridden, teen vampire? Oh, joy. Let me rephrase my refusal in terms even you can understand: _holy fucking_ hell _no_. Is that clear enough for you?"

 

"Which part of 'hit movie' are you not getting?"

 

"Which part of 'take this script and shove it' is eluding _you_?"

 

"You've lived in LA too long." Bakura shook his head, then studied Yami in silence for a moment. "Although that could be a blessing in disguise. How's your American accent?"

 

"Non-existent." He gave his agent a suspicious glare. "Why?"

 

"The vampire guy's American."

 

"I'm half-Egyptian." He mentally apologized to his American mother for more-or-less disavowing her. If it ever came up, he was certain she'd understand it was all in a good cause. "I was raised in _London_. I'm about as American as..." Words failed him. "...a really not very American thing."

 

"Ms. Kajuka doesn't seem to care."

 

Yami gave him a blank look.

 

"The manga-ka, Mai Kajuka."

 

Judging by the script based on her creation, the woman was clearly insane, so her opinion lacked a certain amount of credibility where Yami was concerned. Apparently, his expression conveyed this quite nicely, as Bakura sighed and threw up his hands.

 

"You won't even consider it?"

 

" _No_."

 

"Here's what they're willing to pay you." Bakura shoved a piece of paper with a number written on it under Yami's nose. A very large number, with an awful lot of zeroes in it. More than enough to pay off the debt Yami had incurred when he'd borrowed heavily to help his best friend pay for his sister's eye operation.

 

A sinking feeling of doom settled in Yami's stomach. Clearly sensing his prey's weakness, Bakura slithered in for the kill.

 

"You won't regret this, Yami."

 

Like hell he wouldn't; he was regretting it already. But, once the check cleared, he'd be regretting it debt-free. And a starring role in even a moderate hit would give his career a much-needed boost. He'd be able to put some money away, help out his parents, maybe go back to school at some point and finish his degree so he could get a real job that didn't require him to do ridiculous things like pretend to be a sodding _vampire_...

 

"See you at the studio, bright and early, for the make-up test." Smug triumph oozed from Bakura's every pore. The small part of Yami's brain not busy calculating how much easier his life would be with that amount of money to his name was surprised not to see the smug actually puddling around Bakura's feet.

 

"...I hate you," he managed to choke out past the visions of total financial independence. They were severely impeding his ability to produce a properly antagonistic tone.

 

"Yeah, yeah. Hate me all the way to the bank."

 

"Don't worry." With a defeated groan, Yami buried his face in his hands. "I'm certain I will."

 

 

-o0o-

Maybe He's Born with It, Maybe It's Maybelline

( _The next morning, at the studio's make-up department_...)

 

"What the hell do you mean my character _sparkles_?!"

 

-o0o-

 

Pretty Handsome Awkward

( _Meeting and greeting_...)

 

"Hi. I'm Yugi. You must be Yami, huh? It's great to finally meet you! I've heard so much about you -- all good, I promise -- from Bakura and Joey, and that guy you were in that fantasy movie with, uh, 'Chalice of Flame', right? Although that was just in an interview I saw on television one time... _Aaand_ I should probably let you get a word in edgewise at some point, huh? Heh. Sorry. I babble when I'm nervous." He smiled. "Um. Hi?"

 

 _Wow_. "...Hullo."

 

"Um..."

 

"It's... great to meet you, too, Yugi." And it was. It really, _really_ was. Yami could practically feel his mouth watering at the prospect of working with (and getting to know, in _every_ sense of the word) the other actor.

 

"So, I guess you're gonna be my vampire boyfriend, huh?"

 

"Looks that way." Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad, after all. Yami eyed his petite co-star and found himself liking what he saw. That was one neck he wouldn't mind nibbling on...

 

"Cool." A shy grin and a glance up through thick eyelashes their female co-stars would kill for. "Wanna run lines?"

 

After his first, less-than-impressed look at the script, Yami had pretty much avoided looking at the thing. Maybe not the best way to approach a movie, but he figured it was the only way he'd get through this one with his sanity intact. He'd have to learn the damned lines _sometime_ , though, and now (with Yugi around to dull the pain) seemed as good a time as any.

 

"Sure. Why not?"

 

How bad could it be?

 

-o0o-

Big Kitty Loves Pain. Seriously.

( _First day of principle photography, between takes_...)

 

Before this movie, Yami had never attempted to perform lines that left him in actual, physical pain... and he'd been in summer stock theater. Now, he was giving serious consideration to stockpiling industrial-strength doses of ibuprofen.

 

Hatred, he mused as he felt the veins in his temples attempting to burst through his skin to escape even the memory of his dialogue, was not nearly a strong enough word to describe the emotion he currently felt toward his (soon-to-be ex-) agent. He cast a baleful glower at an oblivious Bakura and waved a copy of that morning's pages under his nose. "What. The. Actual. _Fuck_?"

 

"What?" The innocent, 'butter wouldn't melt in his mouth' look never really worked for Bakura, but he persisted in trying to use it anyway. He tilted his head and went for the matching 'wide-eyed, wounded puppy' expression. " _What_?"

 

Well, if he wanted to be treated like a dog... Yami rolled up the script pages and whacked Bakura on the nose with them. "Bad agent! No commission!"

 

"Ow!" Bakura rubbed his abused proboscis. "What did you do that for?"

 

"Have you _seen_ my dialogue? Lions and lambs in love and personal brands of heroin? Seriously, _what the actual fuck_? Who writes this... this... utter _tripe_? I ought to make you _eat_ this moronic script. Once people see this film, I will _never_ get another acting job as long as I live." Trembling with outrage, Yami shook the crumpled pages at him. "Not only is my character a sparkly, teen-aged _douche bag_ , he's a sparkly, teen-aged douche bag who talks like a bad romance novel!"

 

"Um, yeah. The manga-ka has final approval on the script, too. Apparently, she's insisting on keeping the dialogue 'true to the source.'" He made the air-quotes and rolled his eyes. "And since the source is a bad romance, er, graphic novel... I'm sure you see where I'm going with this."

 

"Holy fucking hell." Yami buried his face in his hands and scrubbed -- then groaned when he realized he'd just ruined his heavy, dead-white, "vampire" make-up and would have to get it re-applied before the next take. And, on top of everything else, his silly yellow contact lenses were making his eyes itch. "I hate my fucking life. Though not half as much as I hate _you_."

 

"Hey, on the bright side, you like your co-star. Right?"

 

Well, there was that. If there was one bright spot in this entire fiasco (aside from the regular paycheck), it had to be Yugi Mutou. Still, that was no reason to let certain agents off the hook.

 

"Fuck. You."

 

"Yami! You wound me."

 

"Not yet. Hold still whilst I find something sharp..."

 

"Ha-bloody- _ha_."

 

"That wasn't a joke."

 

Silence. Then, "...You know you love me."

 

Yami muffled a scream and went in search of a desk to pound his head against.

 

-o0o-

Media Break

( _Excerpted from the "Entertainment Hourly" blog_...)

 

**Popular Manga Series Translated to the Big Screen!**

 

Apex Amusements announced today that principle photography has begun on a feature film based on the popular Japanese "boy love" manga, _Tasogare Ai_. The film, based on the first story arc in the long-running series and entitled _The Boy I Love is a Vampire_ , features British-born actor Yami Kingson ( _Chalice of Flame_ ) and newcomer Yugi Mutou in the starring roles.

 

Series creator Mai Kajuka personally selected the co-stars from thousands of handsome young hopefuls, says director Maximillion Pegasus ( _Kingdom of Duelists_ ), the auteur responsible for bringing the hit series to the US...

 

-o0o-

Sweet on You 

( _Relaxing after a taxing day shooting on location_...)

 

"My character is a total douche."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Yeah, he-- Hey!"

 

Yugi gave him a sheepish grin around the straw stuck in his chocolate ice-cream soda. "Sorry. But--" He paused to slurp up some of his drink, somehow managing to get a daub of whipped cream on his nose. "--he kind of _is_."

 

"He _totally_ is, but you didn't have to agree with me so fast." Yami pouted. It was disturbingly cute.

 

Yugi swiped at his nose, then licked the whipped cream off the end of his finger. Yami's eyes darkened as they followed the motion of his tongue. Huh. _That_ was... interesting. Yugi hid a grin by taking another long drink from his glass. When he licked his lips, the tip of Yami's tongue peeped out from between his parted lips to unconsciously mimic the movement.

 

 _Huh_. Oh, yeah. This had _definite_ possibilities.

 

Sliding his hand across the table between them, Yugi rested his fingertips atop his co-star's knuckles.

 

"So..." He licked his lips again. "Wanna rehearse the big kissing scene?"

 

-o0o-

 ( _Twenty_ _very busy_ _minutes later_...)

 

"That went... surprisingly... well," Yami panted, fighting to regain his breath.

 

Yugi, also panting as if he'd just run a marathon (despite having moved mostly his lips, tongue, and jaw for the last fifteen minutes), shook his head. "I dunno... I think... we could do... better."

 

Yami thought that anything "better" than that last kiss might possibly kill him. On the other hand, what a way to go. He took a deep, sustaining breath. "More rehearsal?"

 

"More rehearsal," Yugi agreed.

 

And pounced.

 

-o0o-

 

 Dailies Decisions

( _In the Apex Amusements screening trailer_...)

 

Pegasus beamed at the couple on the screen. "They have such wonderful chemistry. This is going to be a smash hit!"

 

Executive producer (and money-man), Seto Kaiba grunted. "It had better be." He relented enough to allow, "They're... not terrible."

 

Pegasus turned to his personal assistant. "Make sure we have both of them under contract for the rest of the series." He clapped his hands. "We're going to make a mint!"

 

Pegasus's PA nodded and made a note on his Blackberry. Kaiba smiled. It was kind of terrifying.

 

Leaning away from the producer, Mai Kajuka stared at her 'dream couple come to life' as they shared a romantic moment in a sunlit meadow. Even in the unfinished dailies, the two young men had that certain _something_ that leaped off the screen and straight into the audience's collective heart. (Heck, they'd even managed to affect _Kaiba_ , and she had it on good authority he didn't _have_ a heart.) A frown marred her blissful expression as she studied the moving images. Something wasn't quite right about her beloved Atemu...

 

" _Hmm_ ," she mused. "Needs more sparkle."

 

-o0o-

All that Glitters

( _The next day._..)

 

"What happened to you? You look like a fairy exploded on you." Joey's lips stretched in what could only be termed a 'shit-eating' grin.

 

"Ms. Kajuka decided I wasn't _sparkling_ enough." Since he'd already looked like a walking disco ball, Yami wasn't sure how that was physically possible. If he got any more glittery, astronauts would be able to spot him from orbit. He gave Joey, who was visibly struggling not to guffaw, a death-glare. Unfortunately, the efficacy of said death-glare was greatly reduced by the gallons of glitter glued to Yami's cheekbones.

 

"Wow." Joey tried manfully for 'sympathetic', but only managed 'highly entertained'. "Fate really does hate you."

 

Some best friend _he_ was. "Shut up."

 

"Seriously, dude, why don't they just... I dunno... up the sparkle factor in post-production?"

 

"Post-production? That's a laugh! Have you _seen_ our effects budget?" Given the state of some of the stunts, they had apparently been reduced to looking for lost change between the sofa cushions. No doubt the bulk of the budget had been blown on the vats of white foundation all the 'vampires' were dunked in before each take.

 

"Oh. Yeah." A shrug, then, with infuriating cheer, "Sucks to be you, man."

 

"Bite me."

 

"Hey, _I'm_ not the vampire. Normal Guy, that's me." Joey puffed out his chest like an overly proud pigeon.

 

"More like Loser Guy." Yami gave him a (mostly) friendly punch in the arm. "You guys get the big 'Yugi rejects all prospects of ever dating you' scene in the can today?"

 

Joey punched him back, hard enough to make Yami stagger. "Yugi's _character_ rejects my _character_." He tilted his chin up. "Not the same thing. _At_ _all_."

 

"Like he'd go out with you in real life." Yami scoffed to cover up the little twinge of... something... that tightened his chest at the very thought of Yugi going on a date with someone else.

 

"Hey! I could _so_ get a date with Yugi Mutou. If I wanted."

 

"Oh, you so could _not_."

 

"Wanna bet?"

 

This, Yami knew to the depths of his marrow, was a Bad Idea. He wasn't sure what he felt for Yugi (beyond very blatant lust) or what he might want to do about it when he figured it out, but he didn't want to scuttle his chances before at least exploring the possibilities. Still, he'd always been too competitive for his own good, and Joey was giving him that 'I double-dog dare you' smirk he _knew_ Yami couldn't resist.

 

He said 'yes.'

 

-o0o-

 ( _A bit later._..)

 

"So... You doing anything later?"

 

"Uh, kinda." Yugi finished shrugging into his jacket and turned to look at Yami. "Joey asked me to go get a burger with him."

 

Yami tried to ignore the flash of jealousy that made his stomach clench. "You going?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Oh."

 

"Yeah." Yugi fiddled with the zipper of the jacket. "So... See ya tomorrow?"

 

"Sure."

 

For the first time since their initial meeting, things were awkward between them. With a final wave and half-hearted smile, Yugi left for his date with Joey.

 

Yami sulked all the way back to his hotel room.

 

Alone.

 

-o0o-

Media Break 

( _Excerpted from an article in "Teen Persons" magazine._..)

 

We recently spent some time on the set of the upcoming film, "The Boy I Love is a Vampire", where we met with British heart-throb Yami Kingson. Yami, who plays the titular vampire, took some time out of his busy schedule to talk to us.

 

When asked what's it like making a movie based on a best-selling manga, Yami --

looking palely handsome in his vampire make-up -- shakes his head as he ponders the question. "It's nothing like what I was expecting," he says with a self-deprecating grin. When pressed to explain what he means, he adds, "Well, I wasn't really familiar with the comic books until after I got the part."

 

So, he has read the manga, _Tasogare Ai_ (Japanese for "Twilight Love"), that the movie is based on?

 

"Um, yeah. Sort of." He flashes that grin again and shoves his hand into his famously tousled mop of dark-auburn hair. "I mean, I've skimmed them to get a better feel for my character. I think it'd take years to read them all the way through. There are a lot of volumes!"

 

He has some definite thoughts on his character, teen vampire Atemu Sennen.

 

"Well, he's awful, isn't he? I mean, the more I read about him, the more I hated him. So, that's the way I'm playing him: as a guy who hates himself. He hates what he is and what he does, but he can't seem to _not_ act like a ...um, jerk. So..." He shrugs.

 

In the manga, Atemu's behavior toward his human boyfriend, Bela Trumpeter (played in the movie by cutie Yugi Mutou in his first screen role), is portrayed as being very romantic. However, Yami feels otherwise.

 

"Look, he basically _stalks_ the guy he claims to love, right? Creeping uninvited into your potential love-interest's bedroom and watching him sleep? That's... very wrong. On so many levels that I can't even begin to.... Just... _no_. In real life, that sort of thing gets you arrested or, at the very least, subjected to restraining orders and psychiatric evaluations. And we're supposed to find it romantic?" He rolls his eyes, made all the more dramatic by the fact that he's still wearing his "amber" vampire contact lenses. "I don't think so!"

 

Pressed for an example of what he considers to be a romantic gesture, and if he has anyone to share it with, he grins a wicked little grin guaranteed to stir the pulse of any girl (or boy).

 

"Oh, I don't know... Perhaps, taking your potential love-interest out for an ice-cream soda?" Yami ducks his head with a shy smile. "Right now, my life is pretty much wrapped up in making this movie. I spend most of my time on the set, so I really don't have much opportunity for anything else."

 

-o0o-

 

The Obligatory Montage

 

 _Over the course of several days, Yami sees_ :

 

Yugi and Joey sharing take-out Chinese. (Joey swipes some food from Yugi's paper plate. Yugi throws a chopstick at him.)

 

Yugi laughing at Joey's dumb jokes.

 

Yugi and Joey rehearsing their scenes together. (In Yami's opinion, Joey is getting too good at that "longing look" -- and is he aiming it at "Bela" or at Yugi?)

 

 _Oddly enough, for the first time since shooting began, Yami has absolutely no trouble getting into his "moody, emo-vampire" character_.

 

-o0o-

Green-Eyed Monster

( _On the "Bela's bedroom" set_...)

 

Forcing himself not to glower at his co-star, Yugi flopped onto the purple comforter covering the bed. "I thought you weren't a method actor."

 

Yami looked up from where he was seated, tailor-fashion, on the floor, apparent confusion furrowing his brow. "Huh?"

 

"It's just that... You seem to be channeling Atemu's mood swings. You blow hot one minute and cold the next." Yugi frowned at him. "So, what's going on?"

 

"Nothing." Sullen gaze falling away from Yugi's, Yami went back to staring at his fingers as they plucked in a desultory fashion at a loose thread on his shirt sleeve.

 

"Uh-huh." Yugi shifted to slide down next to him. He hit the floor with a _thump_ , bent his knees, and rested his chin on them as he studied Yami. "You know, our next scene is supposed to be fraught with unresolved sexual tension, not bored disinterest."

 

Hooded amber (Yami had the contacts in) eyes slanted a look at him, and Yami's lips twitched. "'Fraught'?"

 

"Shut up. And answer my question."

 

That got him another look. "You do realize those are mutually exclusive demands?"

 

"Don't make me have to hit you, Yami." Yugi reached over and poked him in the ribs. "What's wrong?"

 

"I told you." Yami's gaze dropped back to focus on the loose thread as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. "Nothing."

 

"Yeah, okay." An uneasy silence stretched between them. Yugi sighed, then leaned in so that his shoulder bumped Yami's. "Want to get a burger after we're done here?"

 

"Sure you don't already have plans with _Joey_?"

 

Oh. So, that was it. "Nope. So... What do you say? Burgers? And maybe an ice-cream soda?"

 

Yami stared at him for a long, drawn-out moment before apparently making up his mind and smiling.

 

"...All right."

 

-o0o-

Yugi's Mom is SO Not a MILF

( _One month into shooting._..)

 

"Brownie?" Yugi offered a plate piled high with the chocolaty treats.

 

Yami took one and gave a cautious nibble, then devoured half of it in a single bite. "Oh my god, that's _good_." He ate the rest and reached for another. "I didn't know you baked."

 

"Yeah. I mean, no. My mom made them."

 

"Wow." The second brownie went the way of the first. "Think she'd marry me?"

 

"In a heartbeat."

 

Caught with his mouth full, Yami choked and managed a startled, "Huh?"

 

"Seriously. She'd divorce my dad so fast he'd never know what hit him if she thought she could have you -- in _any_ sense of the word."

 

TMI! Trying not to inhale his brownie in shock, Yami swallowed and then gasped out, "...Just so you know, you're kind of terrifying me right now."

 

Off Yugi's shrug, he added, "Please tell me your mother isn't one of those 'Ai-moms' Bakura keeps going on about."

 

"Yep! One of the _original_ Ai-moms, in fact." Yugi looked half embarrassed, half fondly-amused. "She's the one who sent my head shot to Ms. Kajuka in the first place. She nearly had a coronary when I actually got the part. And she insisted on acting as my agent so she'd have a legitimate excuse to visit the set."

 

 _Oh, god_. Feeling suddenly hunted, Yami darted his gaze nervously around. They were filming outdoors again today, and the forest had never looked more threatening, as if it concealed an obsessed fan behind every tree trunk. "She isn't... _here._ Is she?"

 

"Yep!" Grinning, Yugi bounced once on his toes. He seemed to be enjoying Yami's incipient panic attack. "Last I saw of her, she was off stalking Malik. She loves you, er, _Atemu_ the best, of course. But she thinks the werewolves are hot, too."

 

"Oh, _god_." There was apparently a cougar on the prowl nearby, and Yami had never felt more like a tasty deer. He fought the sudden urge to hyperventilate.

 

"Want me to introduce you?" This was said in a far-too-cheerful tone that made Yami want to smack Yugi.

 

Clearly, Yami had made a mistake taking co-star at face value. Sweet appearance to the contrary, Yugi Mutou was a cruel, cruel man. He was just lucky his general cuteness hid the _pure evil_ that lurked beneath his genial façade of friendliness and yummy brownie purveying.

 

Having reached this inevitable conclusion, Yami favored Yugi with a weary, narrow-eyed glare. "You realize, of course, that if I were an actual vampire, I would have already been forced to eat you out of sheer self-preservation."

 

"Lucky for me you're just a plain ol' human, then."

 

Pretending offense, Yami frowned. "' _Plain_ '?"

 

" _Ridiculously handsome_ human," Yugi corrected himself with an eye-roll and a grin, and stretched to wrap both arms around Yami's neck. "Either way, I'm a lucky fellow."

 

"Oh, yeah?"

 

" _Oh_. _Yeah_."

 

Yami rewarded this show of unusually good sense with a lingering kiss.

 

When they parted, Yugi beamed at something over Yami's shoulder. "Hi, Mom!"

 

 _Oh, god_. Evil! Pure, unadulterated _evil_.

 

Yugi was damned lucky he was such a good kisser. (And the brownies didn't hurt, either.)

 

-o0o-

 

( _A few hours later_...)

 

Speaking of pure evil...

 

Bakura appeared out of nowhere to shove a pen in Yami's hand and a document under his nose with the demand that he, "Sign this."

 

Still traumatized from his encounter with Yugi's mother, Yami signed without really registering what he was doing. Only when Bakura was folding the document and tucking it safely away inside his heavy jacket did Yami begin to question the wisdom of his rash action.

 

He frowned at Bakura. "What was that, anyway?"

 

"Oh, nothing to worry your pretty little head about." Bakura gave him a patronizing pat on the shoulder. "Just a little something to make sure you -- and I -- get paid on time."

 

That didn't sound right. "Isn't that what my contract is for?"

 

"Trust me, Yami." His agent flashed a shark-like smile that was all teeth. "Oh, hey. Isn't that Miko Mutou?" Bakura raised a hand in a 'come on over here and talk to me' gesture. "Miko, sweetheart! I didn't know you were here, today!"

 

 _Oh, god_.

 

Mysterious document forgotten, Yami turned tail and ran.

 

 

-o0o-

I'm a Monster for You

( _Six weeks  into shooting_...)

 

The insistent ringing of a phone dragged Yami out of a sound sleep. With a low noise that was half-groan, half-curse, he fumbled on the bedside table until he could grasp the phone and bring it to his ear. He was almost certain he hadn't ordered a wake-up call. "Wha- the fu-?"

 

"Yami!" The voice screeched out of the phone. Yami held it farther away from his ear to avoid permanent damage to his hearing. "Where the fuck are you?! You were due on the set fifteen minutes ago!"

 

Prying one eye open, he squinted at the glowing numerals on the clock. Damn. For once, Bakura was telling the truth. He had to run his tongue over his teeth (which were all clad in the tiny fur coats of the Day After the Night Before) a few times to gather enough saliva to actually form a complete sentence. "Fine. I'll be there shortly."

 

" _Awesome_ ," Bakura grumbled with more sarcasm than any man should be able to muster at the arse-crack of dawn. "Any idea where your vertically-challenged co-star is? We can't find _him_ , either."

 

"Erm." Yami looked down at the man he was spooned snugly against. Yugi was sleeping soundly, unperturbed by the phone conversation taking place over his head. (Having already discovered that Yugi was an anti-morning person -- and given the amount they'd both imbibed -- Yami failed to find this surprising.) "I'm sure he'll turn up..."

 

"Just get your ass down to the make-up trailer, Glitter Boy!"

 

Without bothering to respond, Yami hung up. He dipped his head and pressed a soft kiss to Yugi's jaw, then let his lips follow the gentle curve to Yugi's chin and, finally, up to tease his mouth. Yugi made a sleepy mewling sound and parted his lips to deepen the kiss.

 

"Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty." Yami chuckled when one violet eye cracked open to focus a bleary death-glare on him. "Hey, if the name fits--"

 

"Shut up, Sparkle Plenty."

 

"Just for that, I'm calling dibs on the first shower." Which meant all the hot water.

 

Yugi tried for another death-glare, but ended up yawning instead, which rather ruined the effect. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Is there a particular reason I'm awake at this ungodly hour or were you just feeling capriciously cruel this morning?"

 

"Perhaps, I decided to take revenge for all the sparkle jokes." Yami added a mock growl for effect.

 

"No, seriously."

 

"Do the words 'five a.m. set call' mean anything to you?"

 

Bolting upright to stare at the clock, Yugi groaned -- and then clutched his head as if to prevent it tumbling off his neck. " _Fuck_."

 

"Maybe later. We're late enough, as it is."

 

"Oh my god, I've created a monster!" Yugi buried his face in the pillow.

 

" _Mm_." Yami leaned down and nipped at Yugi's bare shoulder. "And, as the monster's creator, it's your job to keep him sated and happy."

 

That earned him a half-hearted, over-the-shoulder swat. "Aren't you supposed to be a hundred-year-old virgin?"

 

"I'm not a method actor, Yugi."

 

There was a moment's reflective silence, then...

 

" _Thank god for that_." Rolling over, Yugi pulled him down into a searing kiss that wiped all thought of work from Yami's mind.

 

It was a great kiss. Perfect, even. They could write _textbooks_ about this kiss. There were tongues involved, and teeth. Determined not to be left out, both sets of hands had plunged eagerly into the fray, mapping blissfully bare skin, delving into hidden places with all the enthusiasm of avid explorers. There might even have been a deep-voiced whimper at one point, but Yami (in that tiny part of his brain that still retained enough blood to care about such trivial matters) pretended it was a manly moan and carried on with what he was doing, which was building toward a white-hot explosion of pure pleasure.

 

When the phone began ringing again, Yami cursed. He snatched up the offending device, stabbed at the off button, and flung the thing across the room hard enough that it bounced off the far wall. They were already late; what were a few more minutes?

 

More than enough, as it turned out, to make 'the monster' -- _and_ his (no-longer-just-a- _potential_ ) love interest -- _very_ happy, indeed.

 

-o0o-

Media Break 

( _"Diversion This Evening" clip found on IdiotBox(dot)com_...)

 

Flashing a smile worthy of an Osmond, DtE host Harry Mart asks, "Tell us, what do you think of _Tasogare Ai_ creator Mai Kajuka?"

 

Yami covers his brief 'deer in headlights' look with a grimace, then quickly converts that to a shy grin. "She's very... prolific."

 

"Have you read the books?"

 

"Um, yeah. She gave me a set of the collected manga. They were very..."

 

"' _Very_ '...?" It is leading, coy. Mart knows he's going to get a good quote out of this. (And he's right, since this is one of the top ten "most viewed" clips on IdiotBox this week.)

 

Yami grimaces again. "Well, they're a bit strange, honestly. I mean, when you're reading them, it feels like... uh, maybe they weren't really meant to be shared with the public. You know? Like it's just this one woman's private... _fantasy_ and... I was a bit embarrassed to be reading it, to tell the truth."

 

Mart frowns. "She _has_ said that the story is based on a dream she had."

 

"Yes, well... _I'd_ take a cold shower after a dream like that, not put it on paper for the world to see."

 

( _laughter_ )

 

(Clip ends.)

 

-o0o-

Coming. Clean.

( _One week later_...)

 

The sound of water striking tile greeted Yami as he entered the hotel room. "Yugi?"

 

"In here!"

 

Weary beyond words, Yami trudged into the en-suite bathroom. He hated wire work and they'd filmed multiple takes of what he privately thought of as the "Atemu leaps about like an idiot" scene in the forest today. That damned harness _chafed_. (Yugi, who had stayed safely on the ground, had gotten off easy, the lucky bastard. And, unlike Yami, it didn't take him almost as long to get _out_ of his wardrobe and make-up as it did to get _into_ it.) Still, Yami brightened considerably when he spotted Yugi's silhouette, just visible through the fogged-over shower door.

 

"Hey," he called in a voice made soft by bone-deep fatigue.

 

The door slid back enough to let Yugi poke his head out. His dripping-wet hair clung to his scalp, a far cry from his usual spiky look. "Hey, yourself." He waggled his eyebrows. "Wanna join me?"

 

"Are you saying I stink?"

 

"I'm sure you smell just fine." Yugi rolled his eyes. "I'm _saying_ we could be having hot shower sex right now if you weren't being weird. And that you still have some glitter stuck to your face."

 

"Fuck."

 

"I'm _trying_ , but _someone_ won't co-operate!"

 

Tired, but far from stupid (or dead), Yami got in the shower.

 

-o0o-

 

Media Break

( _Excerpt from transcript of interview segment from "The Helen Show"_...)

 

 **Helen:** So, tell us... Any truth to rumors of a budding romance on the set?

 

 **Yugi Mutou:** ( _bashful smile_ ) I dunno if we can answer that.

 

 **Yami Kingson:** No, we probably shouldn't answer that. ( _winks_ ; _takes Yugi's hand and kisses it_ )

 

( _Audience goes wild._ )

-o0o-

The Saga Begins

( _After the premiere_...)

 

"Whew. I'm glad _that's_ over. I wasn't sure I was going to survive with my sanity intact."

 

Yugi gave Yami a strange look and reminded him of the addendum to their contracts that they had all signed. Oh, right. Bakura's mysterious document.... It took a moment for the implications of said addendum to sink in, but when they did, Yami's eyes bulged in horror.

 

"You mean there's a _sequel_?!"

 

"No."

 

"Oh, thank go--"

 

"There's a _whole series_ of sequels."

 

"... _Fuck_."

 

 

 

\--o0o-o0o-o0o--

 

FINIS

**Author's Note:**

> Annotations:
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> The summary at the beginning of this fic is a parody of Bella's "about three things" bit from both the book and movie versions of "Twilight"; the version parodied here appears as a blurb on the back cover of the paperback.
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> "The Boy I Love is a Vampire" is the English translation of the Japanese title of volume one of "Twilight". (In Japan, the novel was published as three illustrated volumes rather than as a single book.)
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> "Big kitty loves pain. Srsly" comes from a macro on the TwiLOL website.
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> The opinions expressed by Yami, on various aspects of his teen vamp character, are paraphrased from interviews given by Robert Pattinson. However, this is done purely for humorous effect, and I make no claim to be accurately portraying Mr. Pattinson's views on "Edward Cullen", "Twilight", or anything else.
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> Some lines of dialogue are paraphrased from the "Twilight" movie. Pretty sure you can figure out which ones. ;D
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> DVD commentary can be found on my journal at lucidscreamer(dot)dreamwidth(dot)org.
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> Final Note:
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> There will be a sequel, but I plan to do the remaining movies as a single fic, and I haven't seen any of "Breaking Dawn" and you could not pay me enough to read the books. (I only watch the movies because I find them hilarious and Robert Pattinson adorkable.) So, it may take awhile before that's ready to publish.


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